This post is an entirely different than the usual niche in this blog! The things I wanted to share with everyone since so long, finally I made mind to do so. It's something every girl may relate to! It's an open letter to those guys who never loved me back and pretended that they really did.
The guys who never loved me back but pretended to do,
First and foremost THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I want to thank you whole heartedly for not being sensible enough to love a human being at the first place and thank you for pretending like you really did. I must admit that your acting skill is worth of standing ovation. Congratulations to you that you own the best actor’s trophy for acting fantastically when you were supposed to love someone and you did not! Initially you presented yourself as the decent, responsible and an owner of biggest heart in the world with great precision. You came, you acted like best friend, then you moved forward and without even understanding the assessment of those three magical words – I LOVE YOU, you just conveyed it to me.
First thing I did is to freak out and blushed with excitement though I pretended of being not so affected. Being clueless I told a “NO” though my heart screamed “YES! YEES! YES!” Now you started your next game to snatch my attention as well all the feelings I did have! You followed me, you sent me countless messages, you called me, you promised me “you are everything of my life, Baby, I cannot live without you”! Some of those messages contained some poems (not written by you) which described me as your ‘MOON’, ‘SUN’, ‘OXYZEN’ and what not. Sometimes you waited hours in front of my house just to have a glance of me! You followed me everywhere I went, you tried to hold my hand when I was returning home from school alone and I was scared thinking like someone would watch me like this and then my parents would consider that “I must have given any ‘sign’ to you”! All these unexpected advertisement of your love kept going on. Movies on the other hand triggered to believe that all those activities are actually sign of “TRUE LOVE”!
I, being a normal human being, with not-so-great acting skills, believed you! Believed that those 3 words you just said out of abrupt impulse could mysteriously and ravishingly change my whole life. I believed that the “Fairy Tale of Cinderella” is going to repeat itself with its entire charismatic and romantic vibes in my life. I believed you loved me.
The fairy tale started, at a great pace! You started calling me at my father’s phone and I had to hide my anxiety and fear of getting caught and pretended that you are just normal friend. My absence rates took a shape of a transient signal in the coaching centres, my syllabus of exam felt like the mount Everest, I had no idea that my mother is going through severe knee pain, I forgot that my father told me to bring a knee cap for my mother, I forgot how to solve the permutation combination which I was taught in my maths class, I forgot that my friends told me to get her the notes she given me months back! I forgot my best friend’s birthday. I forgot that there are some other people who love me. I forgot everything because I was in love with you. I forgot that in my life you have only a piece of land and others deserve the same, more than that. I only remembered you.
When in an oh-so-crowded bus, you grabbed my waist, I thought it was love. When you suggested that I don’t need to study hard, I need to learn how to cook so that after our marriage I can feed you, I thought it was love, because you talked about marriage. When you suggested me to stop wearing jeans and skirt, instead wear long salwar kamiz so that I don’t look like a “prostitute” I thought it was care and affection. When you told not to talk to the boys because they will do nothing but harm me, I thought it was your concern for me and again I assumed that it was love! You suggested me to strictly stay away from those girls who smile like anything, is friendly with the boys, wear sleeveless tops and jeans, because you believed that those are the signs of a real “prostitute”! When I wore the salwar kamiz of your choice, flash of my bra made you angry as if I committed some crime. You shouted at me to keep my private things hidden and not to show off like a “bitch”! But at the same time you also caressed my back in public without any hint of shame, because you “Loved me ”!
You kept exhibiting your love in different ways, which somehow hallucinated me and I started to believe what you believed. This was your love!
I never ever bothered to define your characteristics, your beliefs and your thoughts. I never tried to ask you why do you have such counterproductive morals and why is the definition of a human being, especially girls, revolved around the outfits she chooses to wear, the intensity she laughs in, the gender she hangs around and the amount of words she utter! Though all of these factors hit my brain time to time, it was your love that refrained myself from acting upon all these thoughts and produce a solution.
Times flee with great pace and all your love kept storming my life.
You kept me waiting for hours before you could make time for me. I trusted you and kept going hours, even days without even contacting you. I waited eagerly as if at the end of the day I am going to get some water after long & tiresome voyage through the desert. Some days I had to sleep thirsty! My patience level one day devastated and I start questioning, yelling at you, I fought, I cried, I needed only one answer, “why?” I only got few lame excuses, I got the award of being clingy, I got the “I don’t care look”. I did not get the answers of being avoided, replaced.
My love story kept growing, time passed; I kept being irrupted with your love, care, affection, ignorance.
I was raised by educated parents empowered with education, morals and values in a modern habitat. My genes one day pushed me from back to ask you questions! Why I cannot wear jeans or anything that I love? Why I won’t study well and get a job when I do have the ability? Why would I burry me and my family’s dream under your useless male ego? Why would I consider myself lucky to have a boyfriend who is just nothing more than a useless unsuccessful potato whose mind is consisted of dustbin wastages? Why would he touch me without my consent? Why would I become the last option of your life and be used like tissue paper when you need me? Why would I be called as a “prostitute” because I talk to my male friends and want to go for a job?
There I asked the right questions, I kept asking, but did not get a proper answer and instead I gained some abusive languages, the “prostitute” title, I was accused of being clingy, of having sex with each and every member of my work place and some more unthinkable activities! I was accused by you of being available all the time to talk, of wanting to stay in touch 24 hours and even destroying your life! You felt necessity of hiding the relationship from the world because I was supposed to be your back pocket option! I was asked by someone I loved how to impress another girl for a date?
I fought, I shouted, I became frustrated and cried. But none of these comforted me in any way! I feared of loosing you.
And that was it! Enough it was!
I banged! I made the most assertive yet difficult decision of simply leaving you forever and get out of the non-fairy tale relationships! I made my heart enough strong to let you go, to diminish your signs out of my life, to subtract you from the very “Me”. I cried, I felt terrible, I desperately fished for love and affection but I refrained myself from getting back to you. I wished to immediately get someone who would love me like anything and care for me like baby! Every guy I met thought that he can be that prince charming lover in spite of not knowing him properly. I felt like insane within myself. But at the same time I cried during nights and smiled during day. No one around me ever understood what I am going through except very few loved ones. I started training myself to forget about everything and replace every negative feeling with positive ones. It was not easy. It was hard as hell. The feeling of being insulted, unwanted, ignored, used and accused of doing things that I never even imagined, ruined my self-confidence and self-esteem. I ran back to my best friend and those people I overlooked when I was with you. They hold me, the consoled me, the nurtured me and made me feel that I am loved, I am cared and I totally deserve to be happy, happy without the need of useless and benighted guys who has no right to even look at my eyes! I took time. I healed my wound heart, I healed my mental imbalance, I fought the urge to be loved by wrong persons al over again! I cured. I became more myself, stronger, determined and confident.
Now I am aware of my ability and inabilities, my strengths & weaknesses, once called “prostitute” just because I raised some valid questions and chose not to entertain any compromise with my self confidence and dreams, became the strong independent woman without the trace of any grief of not having you in my life. I am happy I left you. I am happy you pushed me out of my comfort zone and let me explore myself. I am happy you were so cheap that I was ready to let you go without any further question!
Now I know, I can wear jeans or dress or slawar kamiz, a sleeveless top without any degradation in my characteristics, I may pursue any course I want, I may have my dream job, I may laugh and talk as much as I want with boys, I know I may talk to those girls who wear sleeveless tops and laughs a lot with boys without worry! I can hang out with friends whenever I want. I can go on a solo trip if my heart seeks for it! I can now proudly flaunt myself without worrying about my skin tone, my curves and all my glitches! And now I do have that attitude that can kill you!
I CAN BE MYSELF!
Thank you for letting me taste the beauty of independence.
Thank you for making me realise that I myself is enough to make myself happy.
Thank you so much for making me stronger, classier and more confident! Thank you so much leaving me and making my life beautiful.
The classier, stronger and independent woman about whom you never can perceive.